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Saturday, February 14, 2009

Star Wars: Chuck Norris - Episode 2

  In the office of the Supreme Chancellor, selected senators & senior members of the Jedi Council convened with Palpatine. Among the Jedi were Master Yoda, Master Chuwu K’Norris and Master Be’El Kauz-Bee. The Chancellor was surprised to hear what the senators and Jedi had to report.

  “Solari crystals?” asked Palpatine.

  “Used by the Jedi, they are,” replied Yoda.

  “For your lightsabers?” It was interesting to see the Chancellor ignorant of such a particular fact regarding the guardians of peace and justice for the Republic. “And you believe Solari crystals are being smuggled off Sacorria?”

  Be’El Kauz-Bee cleared his throat. “Chancellor, we believe smugglers, employed by the Separatists are smuggling Solari crystals to the Hutt Cartel.”

  Palpatine raised his eyebrows, “The Hutts?”

  “Yes, Chancellor,” said Chuwu, “Count Dooku is hoping to enlist the Hutt Cartel into the Separitist movement. Depending on the rarity of the crystal, the higher it’s value. A financial gain that might persuade the Hutts to join Dooku.”

  “If successful, Dooku is, greater the strength the Separatists will be.”

  Palpatine nodded. “I see your point, master Jedi.” Palpatine examined to faces of the senators who remained silent but firm. “What do you propose for course of action?”

  “I will go to Sacorria and stop the smuggling,” said Chuwu. “I have troops assembled and ready to create a defense blockade ensuring unregistered transports from leaving the Corellia sector.” Chuwu stood and gestured to the senators behind him, “I have the approval from the senators to deploy clones forces as and where needed.”

  Palpatine’s look turned to concern, “Do you intend marital law, Master Chuwu.”

  “That is not my intension. But considering that the smuggling has snuck by as long as it has, we need a large enough force to cover all possible routes to the Corellian trade run. It is possible that someone within the Senate has been plotting with Dooku. We must also supervise all communication within the Senate. ”

  “Do you agree with this, Master Yoda?”

  Yoda thought for a moment before answering. Using the Force to see what the future might have in store. “Difficult, this course is, but necessary. Remain here, I shall. Track down the conspiring senator, I will.”

  Palpatine nodded. “But even with Sacorria controlled what will become of the crystals that have been smuggled to the Hutts? We will need to send someone to stop Dooku. Master Kauz-Bee, are you up to such a task?”

  Kauz-Bee weighed out the options in his mind. “We will need to make sure that the Separatists and Hutts are unaware of our plans. We will be unable to use any Republic transport. Say, perhaps, a smuggler ship is what we need. Someone who is partially friendly to the Republic.”

  “But surely you cannot handle this task all by yourself. You will need assistance.”

  Yoda nodded. “Another master, you will need.”

  “Then it is settled,” said Palpatine, rising from his desk, “I must address the Senate on the news reports with the war. I leave you with the hope that you will defuse the situation quickly and return even quicker. We have much need of your services when you all return.”

  As the Chancellor left the office followed by the senators, Yoda and Chuwu, Master Kauz-Bee pondered on who would be the best choice to join him.

 

  Master Kauz-Bee entered the library chamber of the Jedi Temple and flagged down the nearest aide. “Where might I find Master Warner?”

  “He is in the archives, Master.”

  “Thank you.”

 

  Kauz-Bee found me in the vast alleys of the Jedi archives, deep in research. I sensed his presence before one could hear his footsteps over the humming of the archive drives. “Master Be’El Kauz-Bee. What brings you down here?”

  “I need your help. I’m going on a special mission to Tatootine. Dooku is attempting to enlist the Hutts into his Confederacy with Solari crystals as his bribe.”

  I turned from my research to my fellow Jedi. “Solari crystals?”

  Kauz-Bee nodded. “Master K’Norris is being dispatched to Sacorria to stop the smuggling and Master Yoda will remain here to weed out the senator who is aiding Dooku from within the Senate. Our mission will be to stop the bribe and possible bring in Dooku.”

 

   “Sounds like fun.” I closed the port I was researching from and tucked my portable drive into a belt case. “So we’ll need a transport.”

  “Something not related to the Republic, agreed. We cannot afford to be noticed. Do you have anyone… anything in mind that would work?”

  He knew me well. I had an interest in that area and had my number of contacts. It took me a moment then I formed a smirk on my lips. “I think I know of something that will.”

 

  As the Ebon Hawk traveled through hyperspace to Tatooine I was curious as to Kauz-Bee’s plan of action. “It won’t be easy to arrange an audience with a Hutt. Especially since Dooku has begun a dialogue with them. How do you intend to break them apart?”

  “The Hutts are always in competition with each other. We must first find out which Hutt Dooku has arranged himself with and find who his rival is.”

  “You’re suggesting we offer a trade?” I found this very interesting. Obviously the Republic could never be affiliated with direct trade with the Hutts. Though time to time we were sure to have obtained goods that came from their means originally.

  “Precisely. Offer what is needed in exchange to for what we need.”

  “What about the Solari crystals, Master Kauz-Bee? Why would Dooku be selling them?  Why not utilize them for focused Force concentration?”

  Kauz-Bee shook his head. “The chances of finding a crystal equivalent to the Heart of Guardian are too slim. Dooku doesn’t want to his Separatist allies to front the finance to bring in the Hutt Cartel. That would give the Hutt’s an advantage over their operations. They’re too focused fighting the Republic. They need their own wealth for their own needs. Solari Crystals are worth a lot of credits. The act of smuggling them shows the Hutts how resourceful the Confederacy is for partnership with the criminal league.” He stopped for a moment. Sure it was a complicated dilemma we were faced with. With his guidance, experience and my contacts we were sure to come up with something. But what? Then he smiled at me, sensing my caution about the mission “You are right about one thing; it will be difficult to arrange an audience with a Hutt.”

  The Captain entered the room, “Sorry for the interruption, but we’re getting a message from Master K’Norris.”

  In the cockpit the holographic image of Master Chuwu K’Norris flickered. The captain returned to the helm and continued his flight plan.  “This is Kauz-Bee. Go ahead Master K’Norris.”

  “Master Kauz-Bee. I’ve captured the smugglers here on Sacorria and discovered they were intending to sell the Solari crystals to Jabba the Hutt. They tell me that Dooku is on Tatooine as we speak.”

  “Is there any indication that he knows we were on the way?”

  “Negative. The smugglers were caught off guard thinking that our forces were there in preparation for a Separatist attack.”

  I peered in closer to the holo-image. “What about the senator Dooku was using to hide the smuggling from the Senate?”

  “Master Yoda is working on that,” said K’Norris. I had a feeling it was a little too easy thus far. “As soon as I finish here, I’ll be heading to Tatooine to assist you.”

  Kauz-Bee rested a hand on my shoulder assuring him that all was in good hands for now. “Well done, Master K’Norris. Master Warner and I will report to you when we have dealt with the Hutts on Tatooine. May the Force be with you.” The holo-image of K’Norris made a farewell nod and the image promptly faded away. Be’El looked me. “Don’t get too riled up about things beyond your control. You must trust the guiding nature of the Force.”

  I sighed. I still had many lessons left to learn. “Thank you, master.”

  Kauz-Bee smiled. “Come. Let us prepare some food and then we can negotiate with Jabba the Hutt.” Turning to the Captain, “How long till we reach Tatooine?”

  The Captain replied, “We should be there within the next two hours.”

  “Prepare to send a message to the Jabba the Hutt.”

  I was surprised by this course of action, “You speak Huttese?”

 

  I watched from across the table as Be’El spoke with Jabba over an audio channel. A visual holo-transmission would be to compromising. I had no idea what they were saying.

  Hi chuba da naga?

  “Zip-zop zoobity bop,” said Master Kauz-Bee.

  Dopo mee gusha, peedunkey?

  “No man-da pa shaw. Yu wanta da jello pudding ya?”

  Jesscroonie Dopot Sleemo!

  “Keel-ee calleya ku kah.”

  Dobra do nupee nupee um baw wah du poolyee yama. Da beesga coo palyeeya pityee bo tenya go kaka juju hoopa. Procha mah bompa cheestah crispa!

  “Mee jewz ku, Pateesa-”

  Boska!!!” And then the channel was cut off.

 

  I sat there with a blank stare on my face. “So, that went… well?

  Be’El grunted. No it didn’t. Looked like we were going to have to find other means to speak with him.

 

  The Ebon Hawk landed in Mos Espa with little trouble and with littler notice. The benefits of outer rim communities like Tatooine’s. Much like a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. The captain would remain behind with the ship as Master Kauz-Bee and Warner headed out for the Hutts. Be’El and I headed out.

  “If we ask even the common folk, we are risking our cover, Master.”

  “Agreed.” Be’El scanned the surroundings. Moisture farmers, smug pilots, slaves returning from or going to work and a few droids doing various activity; the daily activity. A commotion from an outside eatery caught our attention. A few patrons were engaged in laughter and judging from the number of cups on their table, probably inebriated. This gave Be’El an idea. “Are you up for a drink, Master Warner?”

  I glared at him at first, then realizing his thought process, smiled, “I am a bit parched from this desert climate.”

 

  As we entered the nearest cantina we looked for the drunkest fellow we could find that was conscience. A sleeping drunk would do us no good. Be’El moseyed his way to the bar as I prowled the booths and tables. Trying to be inconspicuous would probably draw more attention than if I acted casual. Casual it was, then. From booth to booth I ease dropped on as many conversations, trying to find our man. Conversations ranged from troubles with moisture evaporators to the latest skirmish with a shipment of illegal spice from Kessel. A few were in languages I didn’t recognize. Turns out Kauz-Bee had found a suitable fellow. He waved me over. I walked his way to find Be’El already in conversation. The man was clearly hammered but still coherent. It was just what we needed but did he have what we needed to know. I sat down next to him. “Hello friend.”

  The man had no problem accepting more company to his table. He was drunk. “Hey!” He grabbed Be’El’s cloak keeping him balanced.  “Like I told this guy, you just don’t know what kind of trouble you have till you find it chasing after you.”

  I played along with his babble, “Truer words never spoken before. What adventure this time?”

  The man hiccupped and glared his eyes down the glass of his drink. “Aw, man. No deposit, no return.”

  Be’El nudged him on the shoulder, “We’ll take care of that.” He waved the barkeep and then pointed to our drunken, “Another round for our friend here.” A servant brought over a flask container of what the man was drinking. Master Kauz-Bee filled his drink. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak-minded… even a mind under the influence.

  “Tell us,” I said. “What adventure brought you here? Smuggling or a raid?”

  The man shook his head, almost violently. He grabbed a hold of Be’El’s cloak again to maintain his balance. “Nothing of the sort,” taking a large swig, “I was hired to bring in spare parts for some pod racer.”

  “And what is so troublesome about that?” I asked.

  He hiccupped again, “Because the racer is up against the best. When they found out who I delivered it to, they killed him.”

  “Killed him over spare parts?” Even Kauz-Bee seemed shocked at such savageness. At this pace this would some time or another drunk. Yet I had a feeling of Be’El’s choice. “Who is the competition?”

  “That racer Jabba the Hutt bets on.” Be’El and I looked at each other. This was our guy, all right. “With those parts he could have been able to win for sure.”

  Be’El refilled our man’s glass. “There’s a race soon?”

  Gulping it down, “Hmm, this very afternoon! Mos Epsa grand arena!”

  This was our chance we needed. Trust in the guiding nature of the Force, for sure. As we got up, Be’El gave one last nudge on our man’s shoulder. He indicated to the drink, “It’s all yours, friend.”

  His eyes took an extra second to adjust on it. Then he seized it. “Aw, thanks friend.”

 Be’El and I left the table and headed for the exit while our drunk chugged. “Do you know where this pod race is being held?”

  “I know of the arena. It isn’t far.” As we left we could hear the sound of our man falling out of his chair and hitting the floor. He won’t remember us.

 

  From the bleachers we overlooked the racers bring their pods up the starting line. It was amazing to see so many attending. Made me wonder what the actual population of the planet really was. Be’El pointed to a royal box. “There’s Jabba’s. But by the looks of it the security is too much. Guarded by rouges and bounty hunters. Too many for us to handle and we don’t want to create a scene.”

  I knew we should trust the Force, but being close I don’t like being stopped. “So how do we get to him?”

  “You can’t,” said a nearby voice. “At least not today.”

 

  Be’El and I looked down at this little character. “And why is that?” I asked.

  “This is the Boonta Eve holiday,” he replied. As if we knew. Seeing our faces and that we didn’t know, he continued. “One of three holidays the Hutts established to commemorate the victories against Moralan Parliament. Named after Boonta the Hutt himself.”

  “You sure there’s no way we can meet Jabba,” asked Be’El. “It is very important.”

  The little man shook his head, “Impossible. No one sees Jabba right now, unless he wants to see you. Especially with what’s between him and Gardulla right now.”

  Gardulla? Whose that?”

  “You guys aren’t from around here are you?” Smug little twerp. But he did have us at an advantage. We didn’t know anything at the moment. It was time we made some reference as to who we were. Be’El and I cracked open our cloaks to reveal our lightsabers hanging from our utility belts. His eyes widened at the sight of our hilts and he began to panic. “Look here…I’m not a high man in smuggling. I don’t even deal directly with the Hutts myself. I moistly deal with Trandoshans.”

  Be’El crouched down on one side as I took the other, cornering him. “But you do deal to the Hutts indirectly, yes?”

  We could see sweat forming upon his brow. Whatever I can’t sell to the Trandoshans I sell to people who then sell them to Gardulla. Gardulla has set herself in debt for too much too long. She’s trying to break Jabba’s monopoly on dispersing weapon.”

  I raised an eyebrow, “Weapon dispersing?”

  Be’El leaned in. “Go on.”

  There is obvious panic in his voice. “Jabba has been running a scam on the moisture farmers. Not many know about it.” It sounded like he was having trouble breathing. “From time to time Jabba has his thugs attack Tuskan settlements. This provokes Tuskans to attack any and all other settlers, mostly moisture farmers. Jabba through some other guises or aliases supplies the moisture farmers with just enough weapons and defenses to keep the Tuskans at bay. Never does he supply the farmers with enough to strike back or take charge, only enough to keep the charade going. And when he deems it appropriate, he has his men attack the Tuskans and the whole thing repeats. Gardulla is hoping to break that monopoly.”

  “But the Trandoshans buy all the good stock from you leaving Gardulla with little to barter with.”

  He nodded, a few sweat drops trickling down his face. “What are you going to do with me?”

  Be’El smiled putting an assured hand on the man’s small shoulder. “Nothing… we just want to join you wherever the weapons are being purchased.”

  He gulped. “Right now?”

  We both stood up, towering over the poor little man. “Right now,” I said.

 

  As we headed for Mochot Steep, where our little informant makes his deals with the Trandoshans, Master kauz-bee allowed our voices to be too faint for our little friend to hear. “Master, is there any possibility there could be a trap?”

  “I don’t sense anything. But there is more than meets the eye with these Hutts.”

  “Do you ever think Republic rule will ever reach this far?”

  “Not likely. Even if the Hutt Cartel joins the confederacy and we defeat them both I doubt the Hutts will give up control of their territory.”

 

  When we reached Mochot Steep we allowed our little friend to hurry on his way. The place was lively with merchants and Jawas. From the looks of what was being traded, bought or sold I could understand the people of Tatooine a little more. We had to find some vender who was selling weapons. Before we could ask about, the crack of a firearm echoed through out the canyon. The merchants and Jawas scattered in fear. More shots rang out, some hitting people others ricocheting off crates and speeders. Snipers.

  Be’El and I headed for shelter. “What the devil is this?”

  Master Kauz-Bee tried to find the shooters. “Jabba’s henchmen did provoke the Tusken Raiders into attacking settlers and moisture farmers.”

  I couldn’t believe this turn of events. “Oh that just great!” Another shot rang out. “We were suppose to stop a the Hutts from joining the Confederacy. Now we’re caught in the middle of more than we-“

  “Contact the Ebon Hawk! Tell the captain to send a message to Chuwu, to get here as soon as possible.” We could hear the grunting and cries of Tusken Raiders. “Until help arrives,” he drew out his lightsaber, “we’ll hold the Tuskens here. Protect these people.

  I drew my saber along with my comm. unit. “I have a bad feeling about this.” I sent the message but wasn’t sure if it was properly received. For all I knew, we were on our own.

  We peered around the bend and saw several Tusken Raiders charging our way. From the tops of the canyon walls we could spot several snipers laying down fire keeping most of the merchants trapped. Many of the Jawas were able to make it to their Sand Crawler but it would take some time before their engine started up. Protect the people and open aggressive negotiation with Sand People.

 

  Master Kauz-Bee leaped into the open to face on the assaulting Tusken Raiders. He had not yet ignited his lightsaber. The Tuskens were in full charge with the battle cries echoing in the surroundings. I sensed more cycler fire from the snipers and quickly spun around to force block them. I could see that Be’El had not moved. I had almost begun to think he was pulling a suicide when all of a sudden… he took in mighty breath and released a strong exhale. I saw visible ripples in the space form around him and dart out toward the Tuskens who were within ten feet of Be’El. The raiders were whipped back at high velocity followed with a massive dust cloud from the wave. I have always heard to it but never saw a Force repulse wave before. Such remarkable talent.

 

  Fending off a few Tuskens with my lightsaber and making sure to be aware of their sniper fire was one hell of a multi-task. I must admit I didn’t see it coming when a gaderiffi stick struck me in the waist. Part of the L-shape spear cut my side and I tried to stay with the motion of the gadefriffi so as to make sure he didn’t rip me in two. Damn thing really hurt. I quickly dispatched the raider with my lightsaber and took a defensive stand to fend off the next attacker when I began to feel an intense amount of pain from my side. I couldn’t stand any more. I fell to one knee and grabbed my waist. Another Tusken charged toward me that I was barely able to fend off. I realized I had been jabbed with sandbat venom. Not good. I’m usually good at enduring pain but this stuff is really bad.

  Master Kauz-Bee saw that I was down for the count. “Master Warner! You all right?”

  With one hand still on my waist, I waved him on with the other, “I’m hurt, but I’ll be okay.”

  A sniper’s sluground pierced Kauz-Bee’s right shoulder. It spun him around and he went to the ground. He was able to get back up but it left him a little disoriented. We both hubbled our way to some cover. Another group of Tuskens came around the bend and made a charge to us. Both Be’El and I used Force push and sent them flying backward into a nearby container. They wouldn’t be getting back up.

 

  The cycler rifle increased. Seemed to be non-stop at this point. Master Kauz-Bee began to address his wound, blood was seeping through his cloak and. I peered over the cover and saw that another large group of Tusken had advanced on our position. “We’re pinned down, here” They began their battle cries again. And in the distance I heard another sound. It sounded like light thunder but it was too constant to be the weather.

  I figured this was it. We couldn’t hold them off forever without help. I looked at Be’El who was able to stop the bleeding through Force heal. But even that wouldn’t be enough. He was without a good arm and I was unable to stand. I could smell the Tuskens they were so close now. I was ready to give it all I had left when the light thunder sound turned out to be a Republic transport. The loading ramp was opened and the ship stopped above our position. A lone figure stood in the ramp.

  HEY YOU GUYS!”

   Be’El and I looked up as we recognized the figure from the transport. A tear formed in my eye. The Tusken Raiders stopped their advance and stared up at the figure that leaped from the loading ramp and soared down to the surface. He landed between the Tuskens and us and produced his lightsaber. Jedi Master Sloth. The Tuskesn made a brief stand off but then resumed their charge. Sloth engaged the Tuskens as blaster fire from the loading ramp via clone troopers helped Sloth. The gunner from the transport took out the snipers from their elevated position.

  We helped were we could providing force pushes for Master Sloth. Within minutes the Tusken Raiders had dropped to just a handful. Their snipers had been eliminated and the remaining ground force was in retreat. As they fled some of the merchants cheered and the Jawas cautiously came out from their sand crawler. Be’El helped he to my feet and aided me toward Master sloth.

  Sloth gave out his own war cry watching the Sand People run away. He then turned to us, smiled and beat his fist against his chest, “Sloth!”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “Sloth? How did you get here?”

  Sloth chuckled. “Chuwu. Sent me to help you.” Seeing our wounds his smile went to a sad frown. “You are hurt.” He then waved to the transport, which had begun landing procedures.

  As clones troopers secured the area a medic unit tended to Be’El and I. Sloth stood by keeping us company. “Sloth,” said Be’El, “Did Master Chuwu tell you that we need to stop Dooku from contacting the Hutts?”

  Sloth chuckled again. “Done taken care of.” His smile had returned. Sloth explained how Master Obi-Wan and Yoda tracked down the Senate informant, Po Nudo. That the Council sent Anakan and Ahsoka to Tatooine on another mission, hoping that the four of us would join up to stop Dooku. Senator Amidala negotiated an alliance between the Republic and the Hutt's securing the Republic forces safe travel through the Hutt's space along with stopping the Confederacy’s hope in enlisting the Hutt Cartel.

  I groaned at how it all turned out from out point of view. “Soounds like we got the bum end of the stick, eh Kauz-Bee?”

  Be’El rested his hand on my shoulder, “Could have been worse.”

 

  The medic unit hoisted me to my feet and assisted me to the transport. “I don’t want to know.”


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Placidity - The Tale of Dragonfly

  “So you finally got a boat of your own?”

  “Yup. Done paid for and all that jazz.”

  Captain Reynolds smiled. “I never thought you would go through it all. I pictured you ending up in debt and working for someone like Badger.”

  Malcolm Reynolds. Always willing to make a joke at my expense. “You’re funny. Just as funny as when your younger brothers got killed in action while in grammar school. Or maybe the time Dr.-”

  “Okay. That’s enough. Bringing back those memories gets me angry and I am armed.”

  “Fair enough,” same old Mal. “How are things with Serenity?”

  “They’re okay. Good jobs are scarce. So there’s a friendly heads up. Alliance’s arm is reaching farther and farther.”

  “Civilization’s catching up with us all, huh Mal?”

  “May catch up to you, Commander. I plan to live free.”

  I found it pointless to talk politics with Captain Reynolds. Yet I kept on touching the subject time and time again. I can’t help it.

 

  “What’s she like,” Mal was actually interested, “You boat. Come on, man, tell me.”

  “Nothing like Serenity. Few can match up to her. But she’s a long slender thing. Remember the Odonta Cruisers used by Alliance in the campaign of-”

  “You bought one of those? Good God, man, you’ll need a crew ten times mine.”

  “Not a cruiser, Mal. I bought an attack-class. You know, an Anisoptera, ancient Finnish design. Converged it down to act as freight.”

  “Where did you find one of those?”

  I knew he wouldn’t like that I bought it from Niska. I tried to avoid the question. Malcolm knew I was stalling. I feared he might have figured it out on his own intuition. A second passed and then he looked stern. “Not him.”

  He figured it out. “I did a job for him. We did a deal after he paid and I got the craft at a reasonable price. My reputation demanded it.” Malcolm was not pleased. “It’s nothing personal, Mal. If our positions were reversed, I’m sure you’d buy it too.”

  I could tell he was still bitter about what Adelei Niska and what he had personally done to him. And because of it, he still gave me that look.

  “Our positions are not reversed.”

  Typical response. “Do you ever lose an argument, Captain Hammer—duh, I mean…” It totally slipped. “…Captain Reynolds.”

 

  “What the boat’s name?”

  “Dragonfly.” I tried to make it sound herald-like.

  Malcolm chuckled, knowing how I came up with the name. “Clever. What kind of armaments does it have?”

  “Hmm?” Armaments? I’m not an Alliance bank. I don’t have that much credit stored away. “Nothing right now. Got a magnetic grappler launcher. But in time I can scrounge up enough credits to install-“

  Mal smirked, “Serenity’s got two grappler launchers.”

  “You know!” He always has to but in that like. “I just got the ship, okay. Seems I recall that someone used your boat as a toilet before you purchased it. Dragonfly’s got no sting or bite right now. But properly handled it can put up quite a fight. I’m sure when it’s upgraded to my heart’s content it can deliver a horse stinger better than Serenity.”

  Malcolm stopped. This was smack talk and he liked making sure his boat was better. “That good, huh?” It took him a moment to find a new comparison. “What kind of engine?”

 

  “Usual burners. Trace compressors. The, uh, J-145-B36 Thrusters. I figure make them last six or seven months before parts die out and need a change.” That seemed to impress Mal. “I actually thought about using Mayfly converters but the components isn’t even related. Plus I’m not taking it under water like those annoying Larvae Pods.” I could tell this techno-babble was a little over Mal’s head. He can’t remember all the details of his own 2 Blue Sun 6V4-178-B31 trace compression blocks 36 RCS Thrusters. I had this round of our chat. Next round, “Even had to hunt down one of those, Mal?”

  “Once or twice. But I don’t do those kind of jobs anymore.”

  Touché. He tried to change subjects. Won’t work this time. “My scanners are better.”

  “That a fact?”

  “Yeah. I know what you got on Serenity. You tend to realize a ship’s on you when it’s real close. A little too close if you ask me. Mine has a longer range than the standard and are difficult to be scanned. Sure I’ll vastly rely on my keen smell and my pilot’s touch behind the helm. Dragonfly ain’t no beetle or moth.”

  Mal’s smiled crawled back my way. He had an edge. “And how fast does your dragon fly?”

  Speed. Ah, yes. Speed. Something Dragonfly can’t beat Serenity at. But then an Anisoptera was not meant to outrun a Firefly. “Well,” knowing this was a lost round, “Maximum acceleration is about 2.5 to 3.0 g. Maybe can get as high as 350 AU’s.” Which is not as good as Serenity’s speed, unless I was unloaded and she was running with cargo. Then that would be a fair game to watch. “Maybe our pilots can have a match race. Just imagine the-“

  “Imagine that.”

  “Your not interested. That’s okay. But hey I heard your mule got burned down. I’ve been in contact with a guy who is hooking me up with a hovering vehicle.”

  Mal was interested again, “Really?”

  “Yeah. It’s all lined up. Guy I know is on Higgin’s Moon. He says I can get two, with only half the price on the second one. You in?”

  “Am I buying the whole sale one or the discounted?”

  “Don’t you want to split it evenly?” I wasn’t sure where he was going. “I mean, what’s the difference?”

  “A man’s…”

  “Gotta do what a man’s gotta do?” I tried to keep the rhythm of it down.

  “…” He looked at me real strange, “No. Man’s selling two of the same thing, one of them probably has a flaw.”

  Always so edgy, “Come on, Mal. He’s a reliable source. You saying, what? You don’t need a service mule?” Hook line and sinker. “This is a hover vehicle. Any terrain. Can run circles around your mule. And it can carry more cargo than…”

  “Alright, you have me, I’m in. But I’m not going more than half the overall price, you hear?”

  “Deal.” Then I almost forgot. “Oh! By the way, when we’re done here I'll show you Dragonfly. My cook will prepare dinner, " Malcolm was surprised I got a cook, "and then you can meet my girlfriend.”

  Malcolm blinked twice. “A girl- what?”

 


Friday, August 01, 2008

Thou Has Waxed Thy Ass

  Once upon a time, a buddy of mine ‘Joey’ decided that his true calling in life was to become a stripper. Joey, who was credited as handsomely endowed by a few women I never got into bed with [but he did], met the requirements to audition as a dancer at one of the gay clubs downtown (their sole requirement being that one must be handsomely endowed). Alas, there was impending trouble in nekkid homosexual paradise. When Joey disrobed, it appeared as if a small dog had curled up on his buttocks to take a nap. Surely this condition would not be good for business. “Oh, damn those Italian genes,” he yelled in my presence.

  What's a hairy gay wannabe stripper to do?

  This particular hairy gay wannabe stripper came to my very attractive female friend and I for assistance the night before his audition. “Help me,” he cried. “You’re the High Commander! You know random crap that could help me, right?” Then he turned to her. “You're a woman! You know about this shit!” We laid out his options for him, figuring that the removal of ass hair could not be all that different from, say, trimming one's bikini line. After much deliberation, Joey decided on waxing for its relatively long lasting effect. And that is how I came to literally wax my buddy’s ass.

  As an assurance that this guide will produce satisfactory results, Joey’s audition was a resounding success. He enjoyed a brief but lucrative career as an erotic dancer before converting to his own peculiar interpretation of Buddhism in which he gave away all of his worldly possessions and attempted to live without money. It is unclear whether the two are related.

 

Without further ado, I humbly present... what you may, or may not, want to know about waxing a friend’s ass…

Materials

  • Your choice of depilatory wax
  • 3" cloth strips
  • Application spatula (if one is not included with the wax, Popsicle sticks work well)
  • A large trash bag or old towel that you don't mind ruining
  • Ice
  • Aloe Vera gel
  • Ibuprofen
  • Select tracks from As Good As It Gets or The Terminal [this is optional due to its potential result combining music with scene/waxing]

Before You Begin

  1. Prior to doing anything else, even gathering your supplies, it is your moral duty as the waxer to inform the waxee that this is gonna hurt. A lot! Even if the waxee chooses to ignore you, this warning serves to avoid all sorts of tearful recriminations and legal repercussions farther down the road. In my case, Joey scornfully laughed and assured me that he could "take it like a man."
  2. Next, you must prepare the wax staging area. I suggest using the kitchen or bathroom floor for ease of cleanup. Spread out a trash bag or old towel to catch the stray wax drippings that will occur as the waxee thrashes in agony.
  3. For the comfort of everyone involved, tactfully request that the waxee thoroughly wash and dry his or her ass before the waxing commences. While they are busy scrubbing, heat up the wax according to the manufacturer's directions.

Technique

  Having situated your freshly scrubbed waxee lying face down on the trash bag or towel, it is time for the truly unpleasant portion of this little exercise. You should, of course, carefully read the directions specific to the particular brand of wax you purchased, but all depilatory wax works pretty much the same way, so you can use the following steps as a guideline.

  Since we are assuming that the waxing procedure is completely platonic (otherwise you would be waxing your lover's ass, an activity which presumably merits an entirely separate guide of its own), I suggest sticking strictly to visible surface area and avoiding crevice territory.

 

  1. Using the spatula, apply the wax to a small (roughly 3" x 5" or smaller) area of the waxee's posterior. The wax should be spread in a thin, even layer in the direction of hair growth. You may find, as I did, that ass hair is a fickle entity that refuses to grow in one easily detectable direction. If this is the case, simply do the best that you can - if you apply the wax from top to bottom, you should be all right.
  2. While the applied wax is still sticky, press a cloth strip to the wax and smooth it with the flat of your hand in the same direction that you applied the wax. It is important that the cloth firmly bonds to the wax. You may have to wait a minute or two after applying the strip to allow the wax to cool.
  3. Using one hand, grab hold of the outside edge of the waxee's cheek and gently but firmly stretch the waxed skin taut. Stretching the skin taut maximizes the hair removal potential of the wax, as well as making the removal of the wax slightly less painful for the waxee. Nevertheless, the waxee's buttocks may be clenched in absolute terror, perhaps accompanied by whimpers of dread. This tends to occur most often after the first wax strip has been applied and removed. To stimulate unclenching, inform the waxee in a soothing tone of voice that this is for their own good, and remind them that they were the one who requested an ass waxing in the first place.
  4. With your other hand, grab the bottom end of the cloth strip. At this point, it is your prerogative to issue ominous, maniacal laughter. With one quick motion, pull the strip in the opposite direction of hair growth. This motion should be parallel to the surface of the skin. Do not pull upwards, as this will result in incomplete hair removal.
  5. After the screaming has subsided, go back to step 1 and repeat the procedure until that ass is hairless.

 

The Aftermath

  Congratulations! You just finished waxing that ass! At this point, the waxee's ass should be completely smooth and hairless. It may also be red, swollen, and painfully sensitive to touch. The application of Aloe Vera gel will help soothe some of the immediate discomfort (do not, however, use any other sort of moisturizing lotion, which may in fact further irritate the skin). Intermittently applying an ice pack (20 minutes on the skin, 20 minutes off) will help with the swelling. Finally, the waxee should take an over the counter pain reliever, especially if this is the first time they've had their ass waxed. I suggest using Advil or Motrin rather than Tylenol, as ibuprofen possesses anti-inflammatory properties that acetaminophen does not. Discomfort should subside within 12 hours. An alternative to a pain reliever is alcohol. More than likely the waxee is in pain, tense, and/or cowering. To aid in their recovery back to regular life, offer a drink. It is suggested that wine be served. If they desire red wine, 4 out of 5 waxees have preferred a bottle of Pinot Noir or Cabernet Sauvignon. If they desire white, then go with a German wine. It’s fruitier taste and pleasant fragrance is exactly what the waxee needs.

 

  The final, and most important, step in the process is to relentlessly ridicule the waxee. Use your imagination in formulating appropriate insults. Constantly cracking jokes about baboons is a good starting place.


Thursday, February 14, 2008

Star Wars: Episode Chuck Norris

  The Senate was in trouble and Count Dooku was fermenting more unrest throughout the galaxy. I was giving reports of certain battlefronts when the holographic image of Master Mundi appeared. We were a bit intrigued to receive his presence since he was on assignment to the front lines against the Separatists. Though it was becoming common that masters were deployed as negotiators, mediators, & generals if need be in this time of conflict. It was uncommon that they would send communication while on route.

  “Master Mundi,” said senior council member Mace Windu. “Is everything all right?”

  “Apologies for interrupting. But I have discovered another planet that is not on our records.”

  Silence followed and many council members leaned in to hear more. Especially Master Stee Vunsee-Gul.

 

  “Another planet, you say?” inquired Master Yoda. “Like Kamino?”

  The holographic image of Ki-Adi Mundi nodded. “Yes, Master Yoda. While in route for Mygeeto we picked up the planet outside the Meridian Sector.”

  Another council member spoke up. “That’s near Ziost.”

  Master Mundi nodded. Unsettling grunts came from council members. Ziost was the central world for the Sith before Jedi order was placed. Mundi continued, “I am unable to spare time to investigate the planet myself but I felt an unsettling feeling emanating from it. Something dark.”

  I scanned the faces of the council members. “Masters.” They all turned their gaze to me. “Master Sifo-Dyas was gifted with precognition. Is it possible that he removed this planet from archive memories as he did Kamino?”

  “Provided erased by Sifo-Dyas in the first place, it was,” said Yoda.

  I kept my silence. I was quick in my reaction.

  Windu sensed my feelings as well as other member’s curiosity to my question. “Yoda is right. We do not know if it was Sifo-Dyas that hid the planet Kamino from our archives. The same is possible in this situation.”

  Master Vunsee-Gul cleared his throat and all eyes gazed to him. “I feel Sifo-Dyas hid the planet Kamino in respect to maintain calmness in the Senate. He did make mention of conflicting times ahead of us,” no doubt referring to the current war. “He could have commissioned the clone army as a simple precautionary.”

  Mundi continued with his holographic broadcast. “Again, I am unable to investigate the planet myself. Intelligence reports from Mygeeto indicate that Separatists are working on a energy collector for some top-secret weapon.”

  Master Vunsee-Gul turned toward Yoda and spoke in his usual whisper tone. “With your permission, I would like to investigate this planet myself.”

  Yoda raised his eyebrows, as did Master Windu. “Alone?”

  “He is a top spiritual analyst and researcher,” said a council member.

  Mundi’s holographic image nodded again, “I agree.”

  Yoda pondered for a moment and then nodded himself.

  “Then it’s agreed,” said Master Windu. “Master Vunsee-Gul will take a small group and investigate the planet and give report.”

  “I’ll send the coordinates,” said Ki-Adi-Mundi. “May the Force be with you.”

 

  Master Vunsee-Gul gathered a small band of Jedi, a few clone soldiers and a ship to transport us. I was even asked to join the group (as if I had nothing better to do). Among our Jedi were newly knighted J’Eh and his boy-hood friend Sy Len-Bawb. Also included was Anne Geejoe Lea, a Jedi with remarkable intuition. And finally Master Foormin. A man skilled in medicine and cookery.

  While in traveling to the coordinates provided by Ki-Adi-Mundi Master Vunsee-Gul spent most of the time in private studying holocrons. The only time he would emerge from his cabin would be when Foormin had food prepared.

  The meals were the best part of the whole trip. It brought all of us together and fun fellowship. Even the clones, troopers and pilots alike, joined in with us. Stories were told, memories shared and laughs of plenty. At times it was hard to believe that the war was still going on. I asked Vunsee-Gul who would take over his place on the council in his absence. He said Master Kenobi was appointed. We all agreed it was a noble choice by the council.

  A few days before we arrived, we all felt a sense of chill. Nothing was wrong with the environment control. It was a cold that only a Jedi could feel, unfortunately. A feeling Mundi best described back in the council chamber, something dark. Stee Vunsee-Gul kept in cabin continuing his studies. Anne and I discussed his quite manner and penchant for privacy. We both felt he would make an excellent senior member of the council one-day.

 

   Somewhere between the planets of Telos, Yavin, Felucia and Ziost we found the same planet Mundi discovered. He was right. It was not on any chart known to records. Anne and I watched behind the pilots as we approached.

  The main pilot turned his head to us, “Sensors indicate breathable atmosphere, minimal life signs-” a sensor beeped.

  Anne leaned in, “It’s a landing station.”

  “Should we make the ship ready to land, sir?” asked the pilot.

  Anne looked at me. I sensed her caution and nodded. “I’ll alert Master Vunsee-Gul.” I left the cockpit and proceeded to Vunsee-Gul’s cabin.

 

  The door was locked as usual. From within I could hear Vunsee-Gul placing items away into containers. No doubt the holocrons he brought with him. He must have sensed me coming. I had never examined a holocron before. I knew the gatekeepers existence and had hoped I could learn from a few holocrons myself. Within moments the cabin door slid open and Vunsee-Gul greeted me.

  “We’ve arrived.”

  He nodded.

 

  The ship landed on the platform that also served as a command center. None of us knew how long this facility had been standing, let alone who built it. Sensors only read that it was deserted. Though still we felt a cold presence of something or someone. Master Vunsee-Gul ordered us to break up into groups and explore the facility. Foormin went with Anne. The two knights went together and I accompanied Vunsee-Gul.

  The facility had the look of any normal civilization in the Republic. Didn’t look like it had been standing for more than a hundred years. Many hallways had containers and remnants of previous occupants but none were evident. Turning down a hall we came across a door that lead to a communication room.

  Inside the equipment was a mess. Not meaning there was junk on top of it, but rather it was in mere scraps and pieces. Upon some of the panels that were somewhat intact were some symbols I couldn’t recognize. Vunsee-Gul examined them and seemed to know something about them. Looking my way he said, “Andrew. Go back to the ship and retrieve the holocrons I have packed. They might be able to give insight and decipher some of these symbols.”

  “Are they part of an ancient Jedi language?”

  Shaking his head, “Not quite. These don’t exactly have the Jedi style,” gesturing to the entry door. “The holocrons should be able to unlock the meaning. They’re nearby the cot in my cabin.”

  I didn’t understand all what he was getting at but went to gather the holocrons. When I got back to the ship I entered Vunsee-Gul’s cabin and located the container that held the holocrons. Such curious devices from ancient times. Peeking inside I saw shapes of cubes; octagons and even a pyramid shaped one. I’d never seen one of those before. I gathered the container in mny arms and proceeded back to the communication room.

  As I was exiting the ship a scream came echoing through the hallways. The clone troopers ready their blaster rifles and took defensive positions. I recognized the scream. It wasn’t animal. It was human. It was J’Eh! Quickly, I set down the holocrons, ordered half the troopers to follow me and I ran down into the hallways following the resuming screams. As we darted round corners not knowing what we would encounter the screams stopped. A chill crawled down my spine. We slowed down our pace and proceeded to a stealthy walk. I sensed great evil nearby. I drew my lightsaber and the clone troopers had their blasters ready for anything. In the distance we could hear footsteps of something running away. Silenced followed for a moment which felt longer as new footsteps ran into area the screams seemed to be coming from. As I came closer I could hear the voices of Foormin and Anne. The troopers and I resumed our quicker pace and caught up with our fellow Jedi. The sight was horrific.

  Both J’Eh and Sy Len-Bawb lay dead. One was against the wall under containers that were atop of him while the other was lying in the open. Foormin was inspecting the bodies as Anne kept guard, her lightsaber ready. I ordered the clones to set up a perimeter and I knelt by the fallen comrade.

  Foormin looked closely at the body of J’Eh. There was no sign of blaster wounds. No lacerations of any kind that I could see. No blood for that matter. Anne had begun to move the containers that had crushed Sy. His death was obvious, unfortunate and sad.

  “Take a look at this!” said Foormin. He was pointing toward J’Eh’s neck. Anne and I looked to see what Foormin had discovered. “His neck’s been crushed.”

  Anne shuttered away and I looked about the room for anything that might have been used for strangulation. Nothing. Hurrying down the hall we heard footsteps approaching accompanied with the rhythm of a clone trooper’s steps. Vunsee-Gul entered the room with the trooper.

  “Perimeter checked and secured, sir,” the trooper said and then went back to securing the area.

  Vunsee-Gul looked worried, “What happened?”

  I stood and addressed Vunsee-Gul, “J’Eh and Sy have been murdered.”

  Foormin stood up, “It wasn’t by any physical means. It was by use of the Force.”

  The same chill from before crawled across my spine and made the hairs on my neck stand on end. I turned to Foormin. “What are you saying?”

  Vunsee-Gul placed a calming hand on my shoulder. He knew what it meant. “There’s a Sith here.”

  Anne spun around in shock, “A Sith?”

  Foormin nodded, “Agreed. It’s not like it was any of us.”

  Vunsee-Gul sighed and examined the two bodies. He looked at all of us and pondered a bit, humming ever so slightly. Then he looked at me. “Do you have the holocrons?”

  “There still on the ship.”

  “Get them. They may have an answer to this.” Looking at Anne, “Go with him.”

  I headed for the ship with Anne closely behind me. Passing by the clone troopers I could sense Anne’s uneasiness about the situation. If there was really a Sith here. Then it was possible they removed the planet from archive memories. I began to wonder if that is what happened regarding Kamino. But it was not like this planet was producing a clone army. It was all strange and my mind wasn’t clear.

  When Anne and I reached the landing platform we saw that the clone troopers guarding the ship. The entry ramp was retracted. I admit I blinked at the odd sight and looked to Anne.

  She shook her head, “Something’s wrong.”

  Before I could ask for her opinion on what she thought the ship exploded. The shock wave flew up back upon the ground.

  I gained consciousness many hours later. Foormin was tending both Anne and myself. Vunsee-Gul was meditating nearby. The remaining clone troopers had set defense barricades maintaining watch intervals. There were only four left. I was told not much was salvaged from the ship, a few supplies and minor tools. Apparently the clones guarding the ship were lured inside and the then sealed in before the explosion.

  Anne was beginning to gain consciousness and Foormin attended her. I was able to sit up but had not the strength to stand. Vunsee-Gul opened his eyes from his meditation and looked at us. I would say he seemed relieved but he didn’t look it. I guess he was thinking about the Sith. My thoughts began to wonder on that character, too. I looked toward Vunsee-Gul. “Do you think this Sith is the one who trained the one encountered by Master Qui-Gon and Kenobi?”

  Vunsee-Gul thought about that for a moment and even Foormin took a moment to ponder it. “Possible. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a secret tomb for their concentration here on this planet.”

  Foormin joined in, “I concur. But it is also possible that--”

  I looked at Foormin who looked as if he had seen a ghost. “What is it?”

  He kept his head still but with his eyes looked at me with such intensifying warning. Those look seemed to haunt me. He knew something but for some reason he couldn’t speak it. He focused his attention back to Anne, who was doing much better. I looked at Vunsee-Gul to see if he had any idea what Foormin was talking about. Vunsee-Gul had a crossed look on his face. Did he know too?

  The next day or so went without incident. Though from time to time we felt that chill of the Dark Side presence. We weren’t sure if the Council back on Coruscant suspected anything like this let alone if a rescue party were sent. We needed tom restore communication and send a message. We went in shifts. Two of us in the first half of the day, then the other two for the second half. The clones didn’t seem to mind the situation too much. To them this was just another glorious day in the Arm Services of the Republic.

 

  A few days passed. We were getting close to fixing the planet’s communications. My shift had ended and it was time for me to rest. I was in mid dreams of home when Anne woke me up. “Wake up, Andrew.”

  Barely getting my eyes to open I asked what was wrong.

  “Master Vunsee-Gul is gone,” she said.

  “Hmm?” I managed to open my eyes and saw Foormin giving orders to the clone troopers. They would remain behind and alert us if Vunsee-Gul returned.

  The three of us went out into the hallways of the facility. We weren’t sure where to begin looking but we figured the communication room would be a good start. Slowly getting closer the chilling feeling got stronger. We feared the Sith had taken Vunsee-Gul. As we came near the communication room we felt the presence of Vunsee-Gul. We drew our lightsabers and entered the room. What we saw terrified us all.

 

  “He’s the Sith!” shouted Foormin. “Get out!”

 We quickly exited and Vunsee-Gul came after us. His eyes full of anger. Once the door closed behind us, Foormin thrusted his lightsaber blade into the control panel, jamming the door closed. Anne ignited her saber and took a battle stance. Foormin tossed me his comlink, “Bring in the clones!” the door began to melt away as the red blades of Vunsee-Gul’s lightsabers poked through. “We’re going to need them.”

  “Clone troopers, this is Master Andrew. Get over the communication room immediately. We need back up now!” No response. “I say again, clone troopers. Hurry over to the communication room immediately.”

  Anne shook her head. “It’s no use. He must have jammed the communication links to begin with.”

  This whole time it was he. Foormin was trying to suppress his frustration and anger over the revelation as well. Both of us exchanged glances. We both knew I was the swifter runner. “I’ll go get the clones.”

  “Hurry back.”

  “Yes, please hurry,” expressed Anne.

  “I will. May the Force the be with you both.” And I began to race back to the barricade. After turning one corner, I heard Anne shout. I couldn’t; quite make it out. But then she shouted something else.

  “Foormin watch out. It’s a thought bomb!”

  I skidded to a halt and turned around to hear the destruction of my two Jedi friends. The thought bomb ripped them apart. I began to be filled with rage and my mind began to lose focus. Instead of going for the clones, I raced back to the communication room to see fragmented pieces of bone and cloth that were once Anne Geejoe Lea and Master Foormin. I ignited my saber and prepared for the worst.

 

  Stee Vunsee-Gul, now a Sith walked out of the melted door leading to the communication room. He seemed pleased with his control over the thought bomb. Such a weapon has not been used in centuries. Then he saw me and was fueled with anger. I charged at him but was halted before I could strike. I was in a Force choke.

 

  Vunsee-Gul lifted me from the floor and Force threw me against the wall. I lost grip of my saber and it switched off. I struck the wall with so much force I nearly went out then and there. I barely kept my eyes open as I looked up at Vunsee-Gul gloating over me with his two sabers now joined together to form a double bladed lightsaber. I was doomed.

  The Sith raised his saber ready to make the final blow when a calm voice stopped him. “Back off.”

  Vunsee-Gul spun around, assuming a battle pose. His eyes widened at the presence of who spoke, “Master K’Noor Es. What a surprise to see you here.”

  “Like wise, Stee Vunsee-Gul. Leave that Jedi alone.” I could barely keep my vision stable. It was beginning to blur up. Faintly I could make out the figure of man matching the description of a Jedi legend I had only heard about. The man stepped closer lightsaber drawn and pulsating, “You want to fight someone, fight me.”

 

  Taking a step backward Vunsee-Gul said, “I’ve been waiting to shut you up for a long time.”

  I saw the two of them engage in a duel to the death. Blurs of blue light clashed with blurs of red light. Light cloth floated back and forwards along with darker cloth. I was witnessing one of the most epic fights ever and I was loosing consciousness. It all seemed like a well-choreographed dance than a lightsaber fight. I tried to follow it as much as I could but eventually my eyes fell victim to gravity and did my body and all was silent and dark.

 

  I woke under the care of the remaining clone troopers. We had moved outside near the ruined remains of our ship. A Jedi starfighter was parked nearby. Its astromech droid was working at sending signals via the starfighters communication dish. I felt soar all over, especially around my neck. The clone trooper nursing me back to health turned his gaze away and said, “Sir. He’s coming about.”

  I didn’t feel like sitting up and probably didn’t have the strength to do it either. Didn’t seem to offend the Jedi Master standing over me. A smile on his face, “Glad to see you’re doing better. I’m Chuwu K’Noor Es.”

  It was he! Oh, what a treat. If only I had the strength to get up and shake his hand. I actually tried to sit up but the clone trooper set me back down, “Easy there, Sir. You are in no condition to move yet.”

  Chuwu nodded. “He’s right. Don’t worry; K2 is calling for a Republic Medical ship. You’ll be fine.” He knelt down beside me. “I’ve also included a message explaining what your group found here. This is an ancient Sith world and we must examine it. Other Jedi masters will join me in cataloging the history and to see if there is any further useful knowledge we Jedi can scrounge up.”

  I mustered enough strength to ask, “What… what about Stee Vunsee-Gul?”

  Chuwu sighed placing an affirming hand on my shoulder. “He’s no more. We may never know what drove him to the Dark Side. If you happen to find out why, let me know.” He smiled again and walked away.

 

  A day later the Republic Medical ship arrived. I was loaded on board and before taking off for Coruscant I saw notable Jedi leaving the ship joining Chuwu on examining the planet. As we entered hyperspace, I remembering thinking how lucky I was to have had my soul saved by one who lived, quite possibly, the purest Jedi Knight of all.

 


Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Tyranny of the Majority

  So there I was with my buddy Lazarus (Yes, Lazarus. His parents hated him), watching the television. There was this horrific accident on the freeway. Something awful like a nineteen car pile up. Traffic copter just so happened to fly over the speeding cars that caused this whole fiasco and got it on tape. So naturally the news channel kept on playing it over and over again. Same news channel that say Black Hawk Down has too much gore and violence. Jerks.

  Anyway, so I’m sitting there with Lazarus, enjoying a little break from work. Watching the media’s coverage of ‘live carnage on the high way,’ as they called it and Lazarus brings up a very curious question.

  “Do you think cruise control works in reverse,” his eyes still on the television screen.

 

  Genius, I thought. I mean, theoretically, yes. Cruise Control for most cars consists of a cruise control computer that takes input from steering wheel controls, vehicle speed signals, clutch pedal switches, brake pedal switches, and a throttle position sensor. They generally work by one of two methods, proportional control, where the cruise control system adjusts the throttle proportional to the error, or by PID control, where the system calculates the throttle position by use of a proportional-integral-derivative control where the integral of speed is distance and the derivative of speed is acceleration. Whatever.

  After a few moments pause I said, “Providing the possible fact that the cruise control does not check the status of the transmission before engaging… sure.”

 He spun in his chair to face me. “You don’t sound too sure.”

  “Well-” he was right. I wasn’t entirely sure. I had to think for another moment as they replayed the footage on the tube. “Fairly difficult in some manual transmissions. But all the cruise control cares about is-” another replay. Damn these reporters have nothing better to do. “Are we moving? Are the brakes engaged? Is the clutch engaged, providing it is applicable? And of course are we going fast enough?”

  Lazarus immediately caught on. “So, in your theory, if you can reach the minimum speed of the cruise control system.”

  “Usually around 25 m/h or around 40 km/h.”

  “Right. And your vehicle has a cruise control system; you should be able to engage it. But since driving in reverse is akin to driving in first gear, sustaining that speed if you can reach it would probably destroy your engine or transmission, or drive line.”

  There was a right worthy pause that followed as both of us pictured it in our minds.

  “That’s high RPMs.”

  “Agreed.” Sure enough another recap on the damn television. “Want to try?”

  “Sure.”

 

  That’s just some of the cool stuff Lazarus and I did/do. The day we first cross paths was kind of a fluke. He was roaming the office area… cause that’s what geniuses that aren’t discovered do. We had never really talked, let alone been introduced. In those days, I was quite fond of writing elaborate rants. Nothing Earth shattering, merely new viewpoints on certain things in everyday life. For example, how do we know that when someone wears a bed sheet on Halloween which has the cut outs for eyes, this person is not dressing up as a ghost, but as a bed mattress? Things like this would be waiting in my mind and then pop out. Other times it was something completely normal and then I would think of it from outside the box. Point is I was deeply involved in this hobby one day when Lazarus finally took notice of me. He saw that I was comparing two pages repeatedly, as would a cartoon animator between stills. I wasn’t sure how long he was there watching me but it must have been a few minutes judging from the fact that he said, “This cannot wait any longer, what are you doing?”

  Keeping my eyes on the two pages, flipping back and forwards, I told him, “I’m confirming the Lord’s Prayer in binary.”

  Lazarus leaned in, “Really? Show me.”

 

  The prayer goes as follows:

01001111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01100001 01110100

01101000 01100101 01110010 00101100 00100000 00001010 01110111

01101000 01101111 00100000 01100001 01110010 01110100 00100000

01101001 01101110 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110110

01100101 01101110 00101100 00100000 00001010 01101000 01100001

01101100 01101100 01101111 01110111 01100101 01100100 00100000

01100010 01111001 00100000 01010100 01101000 01111001 00100000

01101110 01100001 01101101 01100101 00101110 00100000 00001010

01010100 01101000 01111001 00100000 01101011 01101001 01101110

01100111 01100100 01101111 01101101 00100000 01100011 01101111

01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 00001010 01110100 01101000

01111001 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000

01100010 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 01100101

00100000 00001010 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100101 01100001

01110010 01110100 01101000 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000

01101001 01110100 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001

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  “Looks right,’ said a satisfied Lazarus extending his hand. “I’m Lazarus.”

  Taking said hand in a formal greeting, “Andrew.”

 

  Of course we both didn’t stay at that place of employment forever. We moved onto different paths and it was many years before we saw each other again. When we did it was also random and fluke-ish. But not nearly as random as to what we talked about. I was upset about the current world and how I thought some parts of it were crappy. Specifically the tyranny of the majority. How the idea that in any society where the people have some control and influence on the members of the government, eventually the majority will begin to put people in that government that try to gain more power and freedom for that majority, while marginalizing and persecuting the minorities. I explained to Lazarus how I thought that it is impossible to have a place with freedom for everyone equally when there are unequal numbers of groups.

 

  He stood there taking all my rant in. Then that genius spark lit up again. “Not as big a problem in modern democracy as some people would have you think.” He hadn’t changed. Good.

  “Would you mind elaborating, Lazarus?”

  “Yes,” he said, clearing his throat, “This is so for two reasons. First, democracy is built on the principle of one man, one vote.”

  “Or, more contemporarily, ‘one person, one vote’,” making sure I was tracking with him.

  “Precisely. This means that a member of any particular, political, minority has just as much power to cast votes and influence lawmakers as a member of the majority. It may seem unfair that a majority can impose their will on a minority. But there is no better way to decide on laws, so long as individual members of the majority have no special power to do so. Second, when the above fails, the justice system exists. Ideally, the courtroom offers a chance for individuals to contest laws passed by the majority, speak their voice on them, and have the laws overturned if justice requires. In real life, of course, there are unjust decisions and partial judges, but the appeal system is in place to help prevent this. Overall, you can't do much better where representative government is concerned. If the political majority is always deemed "tyrannical" because of the way their votes work, then an individual or a small minority would be expected to get their way all the time-”

  Finishing, I said, “And that would lead to simple anarchy in a very short period of time.”

  “Q.E.D.”

  I sighed, realizing once again that US Democracy is still the best government in the world. Though I always had a hunch that something out there was better. Of course I don’t know what that could be.

  Lazarus could see the inner conflict of my patriotism. He promptly offered a solution to take my mind of it. “Want to go rob a bank?”

  I had never robbed a bank before. “Yea sure.” Sounded like a good idea at the time.

 

  Gloves. Ski masks. A Beretta 92F for me and a jet-black pump action shotgun for Lazarus. Check. Check. Check.

  Dimitri gets us a shot of vodka each, and none for himself, he's driving today. "Luck", he says, managing to mangle a one-syllable word with a pronounced Slavic accent. We solemnly shake each other's hand. Looking back I’m not sure where we found Dimitri.

  It is time. We approach the car. Lazarus brandishes the gun and says, "I'm calling shotgun". A laugh relaxes the tense atmosphere, and we hop in and drive off. Half way there Lazarus realizes he didn’t bring the ammo for the shotgun. I couldn’t believe it. Rather than drive back or to the nearest gun/ammo store, we continued en route. Dimitri pulled a pistol from his ankle hold and tossed it to Lazarus. “Luck.” I began to wonder if Dimitri understood any English at all.

  We're in. Dimitri waits outside in the getaway, while we two find a place away from cameras to pull on the masks and pull out the guns. Only to find out that the masks were just beanie hats with Bible verses on them. No good. Plus the gloves were too small. We planned badly. Adapt. Adjust. Improvise. Screw the hats and gloves.

  Time. I walk forward, catching glances of amusement, rapidly changing to expressions of fear. "Freeze, everybody!" I yell out.

  "FREEZE, MOHERSTICKERS," shouts Lazarus. "This is a..." Something's gone wrong. "Fuck-up," he finishes lamely.

 

  Everyone's frozen all right. A second, two seconds pass in complete silence, and I hear a muffled snort behind my back. A giggle here, another one, it gets louder and louder, the nervous laughter of suddenly relieved tension, and laughter breaks out all around us. The fat teller is laughing out loud, his enormous body shaking. A pimple-faced teenager is trying to hold in the laughter, but a loud snort betrays his intentions.

  We start backing away, toward the door. I have a gun, a loaded gun, but I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I back away, then turn and break into a run, Lazarus following me closely. We practically fall over into our seats in the car and gesture Dimitri to drive like hell. Burning rubber against concrete Dimitri says only one thing. The only thing he has ever said. “Luck.”

  Well, shit.



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